acejack
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cogito ergo doleo
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Post by acejack on Sept 10, 2013 3:09:27 GMT -5
Welcome to WTF Fantasy Football C/HH'13, I'm your host, Ted Feltersnatch. We've got scores and highlights coming up but first we have a special award to give out. Woody, you are a legend until the end of time. Leon Lett ain't got shit on you. As far as lineup tinkering goes, you are Tinkerbell, Queen of the Tinker Fairies. God damn, my friends in real life heard about you. Dizzle is officially off the hook for benching Adrian Peterson week one last year. G&T, for benching Peyton Manning and his 46 points week one, the Shitbird is yours: BobbyMo likes this reference from The Wire. Also pulling in a HaHa is acejack and his supposed to be tough sounding Metro Police. Undefeated are they? You're not. Next time you talk shit try cracking 100 points. While Woody is a mess for drafting two QB's in the first 5 picks and then second guessing himself, you are a ranking slave and play Mike Wallace (RD6) in the sure to be crapfest MIA/CLE instead of Reuben Randle (RD18) in the sure to be shootout NYG/DAL. Don't lose any sleep over it, you would have lost anyway, your team sucks. Final HaHa of the week goes to the Sig Trainwrecks, feeling pretty good about that lead going into Monday night. It sucks losing when you scored the second most points in the league, but as the saying goes, "You never want the second best Full House." I liked LeSean McCoy this year, but I didn't think was going to go all 2011 Mexico City Mexicans. Shady was like Link with the Red Candle, lighting motherfuckers on fire left and right. Sig included. "Oh hey, is this the end zone?" Now a hearty congratulations to all our winners: NickinMentor, 127 points. (Season high) Way to go, fuckin' new guy. Apparently you've played this game before. VoodooSandwich, 122 points. (Same as loser Sig) Pretty good when you're not alcohol poisoned during the draft. TheOnlyItalianGuyInCowtown, 121 points. (Whatever) Next time Gadget. Next time. For all of you, a clapping gif even more gay than Renly Baratheon: Just like the Dolphins/Browns and Chiefs/Jaguars, sometimes they show other scores about games nobody cares about real quick at the end. Phenom wins 110 to a lower number and Diz wins 101 to his IQ. Tune in next Tuesday for Week 2, WTF Congratulations HaHa. I'm Ted Feltersnatch, for Sophia Mendez, goodnight.
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brownsphenom
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I'm Brian Fellows!
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Post by brownsphenom on Sept 10, 2013 8:16:56 GMT -5
WTF
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Diz
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Post by Diz on Sept 10, 2013 8:29:16 GMT -5
BROWNS
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G&T
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Post by G&T on Sept 10, 2013 8:38:32 GMT -5
And it turns out I would have won by 3. Don't know whether to go bowling or shoot myself.
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Sigflanagan6
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Fly in the ointment.
For Bobbymo!!!!
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Post by Sigflanagan6 on Sept 10, 2013 11:01:09 GMT -5
If voodoo and I had played we would've tied. Fractional points. Just saying
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brownsphenom
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I'm Brian Fellows!
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Post by brownsphenom on Sept 10, 2013 14:25:24 GMT -5
If voodoo and I had played we would've tied. Fractional points. Just saying Let it go
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brownsphenom
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I'm Brian Fellows!
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Post by brownsphenom on Sept 10, 2013 14:31:10 GMT -5
Dry humps won this week too
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TommyDee
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Post by TommyDee on Sept 11, 2013 13:54:58 GMT -5
We should have a weekly dumbass move of the week - we'll call it "The Woody" after that epic Peyton Manning benching.
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Diz
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Post by Diz on Sept 11, 2013 14:00:13 GMT -5
Next week it will probably be Woody again for benching RGIII
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TommyDee
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Post by TommyDee on Sept 11, 2013 14:03:05 GMT -5
See if you can find a good logo for it and I'll post it on the website. I couldn't find anything good.
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G&T
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Dislocated Boy
Chocolate Milk
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Post by G&T on Sept 11, 2013 16:11:18 GMT -5
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acejack
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cogito ergo doleo
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Post by acejack on Sept 17, 2013 2:14:05 GMT -5
WTF Congratulations/HaHa can be seen next week at it's normal time. We now bring you a special presentation of WTF Sports. Good evening, I'm Ted Feltersnatch. Sophia Mendez has the night off. Tonight we bring you a story about beer, and Satan. I was having a beer with Satan the other day. He spends about six months of the year in Las Vegas. He loves football season out here. “Vegas is the best football town in America.” he says. So we’re playing blackjack at the bar, the Seattle game is in a rain delay, he’s telling me to split sixes, and I ask him: “Hey Stan, (he goes by Stan) in all the years, what’s the worst torture you’ve ever subjected a soul to?” He opens with: “I’d hate to write it in pen before I get to see you! There have been a lot of notable ones over the years. Some of our favorite things are immolation obviously, crucifixion, flaying, and disembowelment is always a go-to. Judas Cradle, Iron Maiden, Catherine Wheel. We’ve got the laser from Goldfinger now. But the worst individual case ever was the Entertainment Lawyer.” “The Entertainment Lawyer?” I ask, a question I’d soon reconsider. “The Entertainment Lawyer was a guy who was integral in the making of Toy Story 3. Holy shit, did that movie suck. He gets down here and before he even gets in line, he objects to being in Hell." “So to be funny I make it like we’re all in a courtroom and I’m the judge and he’s Sheriff Woody from that fucking shit movie. I tell him to approach the bench. He starts to make his case in his fucking Tom Hanks voice and I jump over the bench and pluck out his eye. I yell: “OVERRULED!” and drop the eyeball. The fucking gallery goes wild.” “He’s screaming, there’s blood everywhere, I grab his head and start pumping the empty socket with lil’ Stan. This goes on for days. I tell the bailiff to bring in his parents and grandparents to watch. I tell the court reporter to get video for when his wife and kids eventually make it down here. Classic me.” “So another dozen or so days later my back starts getting tired. The gallery is so bored they’re playing Demon Drop on their hPhones. So I rule the lawyer guilty. I sentence him to be impaled on a steel post and burn for all eternity. Boom roasted. So we get him all set up, light him on fire, and the fucking weirdo starts playing with himself! Jesus Christ, after all these years I never fucking expected that.” “This pisses me off royal. I’ve been drinking Jack since the trial began and that always puts me in a bad way. I tell Succubus to cut his fucking hands off and make him watch Browns games from 1999-2013 while he burns. He burns all day until there’s nothing left. Then he wakes up and burns again. [sighs] Sometimes I feel bad for what I did to him. Maybe I went too far. Nobody should have to watch the Browns for all eternity.” I look at the fallen angel sitting next to me and I see sadness welling in his eyes. He says to himself, his voice cracking: “Carmen Policy. Mike Holmgren.” He puts down a burning hundred dollar bill and runs out the door of PT’s Gold bawling: “I’m sorry!” Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the worst thing ever. The thing that made Satan cry. The Woody.
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acejack
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cogito ergo doleo
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Post by acejack on Sept 17, 2013 3:13:14 GMT -5
Strange coincidence, the first official Woody Award For Failure & Sadness goes to G&T -aka- WoodyDawg for his Commodore 64. Your four skill positions put up seven points. You suck.
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acejack
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cogito ergo doleo
Posts: 12,792
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Post by acejack on Sept 17, 2013 3:15:26 GMT -5
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acejack
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cogito ergo doleo
Posts: 12,792
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Post by acejack on Sept 24, 2013 3:41:59 GMT -5
Good evening, I’m Ted Feltersnatch and I wish I was motorboating my hot wife instead of writing this bullshit so let’s try to get this on the first take. First off, congratulations to Gin&Tonic, not only for racking up victory numero uno but also passing off the bane known as The Woody to one of the league’s new members, George Coke Penis. I used to get Coke Penis all the time in the 80’s. Terrible, you can’t feel a thing down there. You ask the girl: “Am I still hard?” and she looks at you funny. Anyway. For Coke Penis putting up Area 51 points, The Week 3 Woody: Congratulations also to Chipper Jones, for not only grabbing your first W, but style points with a season high 133 points. Our stat department all but demanded we point out that one roster adjustment (Chiefs DST instead of Bills DST) would have bested the league record of 148, but don’t worry, your win excludes you from BPoTW consideration. Last but not least congratulations to Dick in Mentor. Entering the league with a 3-0 start, Dick has many owners saying: “What the fuck. What happened to the girls in the league last season?” Dude has got his shit together. Metro Police owner acejack went to the waterpark with a smile and came home with a frown. You finally scored 100 points, you still lost. Ha ha. More HaHa’s to Sig’s Boerne (How do you say that?) Trainwrecks. 0-3 like the Pittsburgh fucking steelers. Tell your dad to change his sig to “Ol’ my kid sucks at fantasy football Dad”. And finally we have the first award for Bench Players of the Week. Phenom, I’d like you to meet Kenbrell Thompkins and Eric Decker. 35 points. These guys are shitting on you worse than Cecil Shorts shitting on ace for starting Mike Wallace. In summation, you all suck. I would own this league. For Sophia Mendez, eat shit, Ted Feltersnatch.
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TommyDee
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Post by TommyDee on Sept 24, 2013 7:36:36 GMT -5
Before I officially hand George the Woody on the site - I think the Woody award is meant to go to the person with the worst decisions for the week. Kokinis just got his shit stomped. Phenom could have won with some better choices. Debate.
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Diz
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Post by Diz on Sept 24, 2013 7:38:29 GMT -5
Worst decision
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Diz
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Post by Diz on Sept 24, 2013 7:41:06 GMT -5
Fuck you tommy for being at the top of the waiver wire. Looks like you get first shot at King Hoyer.
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Sigflanagan6
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Fly in the ointment.
For Bobbymo!!!!
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Post by Sigflanagan6 on Sept 24, 2013 10:35:21 GMT -5
Boerne, pronounced like Bernie.
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Voodoochile
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Post by Voodoochile on Sept 24, 2013 10:49:33 GMT -5
Before I officially hand George the Woody on the site - I think the Woody award is meant to go to the person with the worst decisions for the week. Kokinis just got his shit stomped. Phenom could have won with some better choices. Debate. We need two awards. One for the team shitting the bed (weekly award) and The Woody for doing something like benching Peyton Manning for a second year QB coming off knee surgery. The Woody doesn't have to be every week but for spectacular fuck ups.
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TommyDee
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Post by TommyDee on Sept 24, 2013 11:10:58 GMT -5
Look at phenoms bench. I think the Woody is legit.
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Voodoochile
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Post by Voodoochile on Sept 24, 2013 11:24:49 GMT -5
Okay I 2nd the Woody nomination
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acejack
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cogito ergo doleo
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Post by acejack on Sept 24, 2013 12:08:06 GMT -5
Tommy thinks he's fucking Mussolini. I'm writing this shit. Coke Penis gets the Woody, Phenom gets Bench Player(s) of the Week.
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TommyDee
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Post by TommyDee on Sept 24, 2013 12:13:03 GMT -5
The Woody is the award on the league site. Your own award w/ the crying guy is used here. I thought that was already decided.
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Voodoochile
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Post by Voodoochile on Sept 24, 2013 12:19:41 GMT -5
Mutiny!!!
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